FOURBUCKS...

Oh sweet seventeen-dollar cup of coffee.

I really don't know why when I'm early to work I have to hit Starbucks. It's a fix, like snorting cocaine in the bathroom during the 1980's. It's all the rage. You should try it, man.

What gets me is, they charge $4.00 for a cup of coffee. FOUR DOLLARS. You know what else you could buy for 4 dollars. 4 cheeseburgers off the McDonald's dollar menu. A comb. 8 cans of soda from a machine. At least 2 candy bars. You can see where my priorities are (food, food, food).

I always feel so silly for not ordering an entirely complex drink. (Tall Caramel Machiato--by the way, spell check wanted to make that Machination, that tells you something about Starbucks doesn't it!).


"Hi, I'd like a cup of coffee that tastes like 15 million calories but really I'd like it to slim my fat ass 10 pant sizes so I still look sexy and hip drinking this coffee, K thanks!"  aka "Hi I'd like a grande low fat skinny latte, hold the foam, no whip, extra cheese?"

Not so much to ask, right? Do you think if someone walked in and ordered a cup of coffee, black, that crappy indie music they play would screech to a halt? Like the sound of 10 thousand vuvuzelas dying after the world cup? Everyone would freeze and creepily turn their heads in unison. A secret guard would silently but efficiently glide out of the back, grab the man by the arm and guide him towards the door. The poor man wouldn't know what hit him. He'd just keep repeating over and over, "but I just wanted a cup of coffee!" His toes skipping the ground like a child's doll.

FWUMP. And now he's outside.

Also, I really hate how they make us gather around at the end of the counter like Hyenas waiting for the Lions to be done eating. Our coffee, logically, should come out in the same order it was placed. This is false. It's as if they purposely make coffee out of order so we get edgy. One of these days there's going to be a fight if that woman has to keep watching other coffees come out before hers.

"EXCUSE me? But my coffee is going to be upgraded to a  grande-ass-kicking if I don't see it here SOON."

Don't mess with that woman. She's the Hyena with 14 cubs and a lazy bum for a  mate. She needs her caffeine.


Ok, so I can't take full glory for the Fourbucks joke. That right belongs to Jack, Matt's step dad. And Matt every time we go to Starbucks and order a $4.00 cup of coffee and he quotes it. Fourbucks. Don't worry, you'll think of it next time you go. You'll feel guilty... pleasure. If loving a coffee shop is so wrong, then I'm better off broke so I can't buy it.


And all you hipsters doing homework, all you old people trying to be cool, and all you prada mom's in your tracksuits, high dollar sneakers and Louis Vitton bags, get over it. Where do I fall? I'm the quiet one, who gets her coffee, smiles and says thank you, and leaves. Like a ghost. So I can enjoy my coffee sin in private.

Love,
Grace

PS. Starbucks, I love the new sticks that fit in the lip hole, just so that little bit of warmth never escapes.
PPS. Your yogurt cost $3.75. It's delicious and I hate you.